Go ahead, slap me

Paul Newman's Age: NBA jerseys I could never get past the idea of Paul Newman playing hockey with gray hair. It always bothered me for some reason. Heck, I even discounted the last six years of Ron Francis' NHL career because of my gray hair bias. But I guess I have a problem with sports movies in general because I watch them with such a critical eye. I was supposed to believe that a slightly pudgy Kevin Costner could blow a fastball past someone when he starred in (insert random Costner baseball movie here). But to the trained eye, it was damn clear that Costner just looked like the guy at the carnival desperate to impress his girlfriend with a pitch that would break the state speed limit. In the case of Slapshot, I think I would be way to critical of Newman's ability to forecheck and play the trap.

The Hanson Brothers: When someone mentions the Hanson Brothers, my first thought automatically goes to that androgynous pre-teen boy band who forced Mmmmm...Bop into my brain for a seven week period back in 1997. And sadly, they might be more tolerable than the hockey-playing Hanson Brothers. Is there another group of celebrities - aside from Joan Rivers/Richard Simmons/Verne Troyer/Screech/Tom Green/Olsen Twins/Rosie/Gary Coleman - that has overstayed their welcome in the public eye? I don't think so. (And confession No. 2 in this blog: Mmmmm...Bop still drifts into my brain every few weeks).
I have a confession that will send ripples across the hockey world.

Yours truly - the man who covers the Ottawa Senators on a daily basis - has never watched the movie Slapshot.

You would think this would be some sort of required viewing before entering our industry on a full-time basis. Every few weeks, someone at the rink makes a Slapshot reference. I usually just act like I know the inside joke and I quickly change the subject.

But I'm finally sick of living the lie.

I'm done pretending to know who Ogie Oglithorpe is when I'm in large group situations. While I'm clearing my chest, I want everyone to know that I don't ever intend on watching the movie.

And before you come at me with some foil-covered knuckles, please read my four reasons why I am not planning on watching Slapshot.

Terrible Sequels: When the sequels go directly to DVD, that is usually a pretty big red flag for me. You can find Slapshot II & III on the shelf next to great sports movies like MVP (Most Valuable Primate), Kazam (starring Shaq) and Ed - the heartwarming story of how a chimpanzee resurrected the pitching career of Matt LeBlanc.

So if anyone can come up with just one good reason for me to watch Slapshot, I'm totally willing to listen. Until then, I'll be busy spending my holiday season watching How The Grinch Stole Christmas. (And yes, that's the Jim Carrey version. I only recently learned that they did an animated version of that movie once upon a time).

My Age: I was exactly seven weeks old when Slapshot originally hit the movie theaters in February 1977. Watching movies from 30 years ago is totally fine - if you watched them when you were a kid. But if you haven't seen the movie before, it's usually an exercise in weirdness. Would you recommend Jaws to scare the hell out of someone who never watched it before? Probably not. They would just laugh at the ridiculously obvious mechanical shark and the fake blood in the water. Adolescent boys aren't lining up outside of Rogers Video right now to rent the original Debbie Does Dallas for the very same reason. It would just be plain weird. And unfortunately for me, Slapshot falls into this category.